Tim B. Liar Lies
Friday, July 25
  What Chinese character are you? Turns out I'm a ball. Lucky it means earth, too. Shit, for a moment I was worried.



EARTH is your chinese symbol!

What Chinese Symbol Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
 
  Consequences of French calumny?

eiffel en feu
 
  I hate you. Go away.

... and here i am.. bitching about how empty i am?

It doesn't get much better on Blogger than this.
 
  Site of the Week: Too Lazy to Fcuk.

Actually the blog is shit, but the name is great. We're thinking of stealing it. But with correct spelling.
 
  When we take on interns, we'd like them to be as switched on as this dude.
 
  Do not drink and blog. We know it's a no brainer. But we have to say it.
 
  Whoa, man! There's someone messing with our minds. Tim B. Liar on speed? You be the judge.
 
  Okay, technically it's a rumour, but we have it on good authority that Tim B. Liar is a test pilot for these guys.

Do not - we repeat, do not - open this link if your feminazi boss is within cooee of the screen. She will just bug you to tell her where she can get one of her own.
 
  This surprised us. Of the top 100 Chinese-language site, 87 link to Tim B. Liar Lies.

Heh. Those Chinese. Whacky or what?
 
  It had to happen. You make one crack about heavy hitters stuffing socks down their blogs and you pay for it with the house. David "The Horse" Marr is suing us for our suggestion that he needs to stuff socks down his blog to impress the boys. He's steamed, man; and we don't mean the type you get at Sydney City Steam. As he says:

Your sordid implication that I need to stuff a sock down my undershorts to impress the boys is without foundation. It's a well known fact that I have the largest penis in Sydney.

Hey, Dave, we were only joking. We know you da man. We know. Da man.
 
  Wow. Three days on the web and we're already ranked Number One at Alexa. Bitching, or what?

Please note: actual site may differ from one shown. Thank you. That will be all.
 
  They don't call him the Chumpmeister for nada. Professor Chumpski replied to our email of yesterday. Who'da thunk it.

Miss Newton

Well, I can be quite confident on one thing. And the actual reasons I think are not very obscure. I think that it became quite clear people will - you know - flock to power if they feel frightened. And that's true. They are seeking a "fiscal train wreck". And there was a third factor which was even more important. Right after the missile crisis, as Henry Kissinger knows perfectly well, the "peace process" always officially - hypocritically - humiliated the Arabs. And there are 12 choices for the MIT t-shirt slogan I'd most likely wear. We have to choose the right target. The target has to have several properties. I choose Maybe a week. Maybe a month. Maybe longer. Maybe shorter.

Well the next choice is Diddums.

I hope that we can be in touch again in the future. Have a good day!

Jeez. Looks like we owe the Chumpster an apology. He really came through for us.
 
  People have written a load of shite about how Tim Blair overstepped the mark by bringing a blogger's family into a flame war. To all those lefty weak-as-Crean girls' blouses out there who think Blair was wrong: your mother wears pink army boots to bed. And to Tarquin B. Garters' family: take your fuckwit son to the vets on Saturday morning and have him put down. To Tarquin B. Garters: your family blows, mate. Big time.

Fucking tossers.

Oh, and while we're on the subject. Margot Kingston blows more than the whole Garters family put together. [Warning: do not open this link unless you want to see a photo that only a BLOWER'S mother could love]. Aunty fuckwit indeed!
 
  They teach French at journalism school these days? What the hey is going on?

"... en passant stab ..."

Sounds the sort of activity that keeps me out of Sydney bath houses.
 
  Michael Moore's obese? You'll fry in lefty hell, Tim B. Liar.
 
  Hey, what the fuck happened to Tim Blair's house troll? The Bon Scott guy. I mean, that doofus was all over every post, but nary a peep for days now. Weird, huh?
 
  Tim B. Liar writes in and suggests the first Blogger Cage o' Death™ pay-per-view match up should be Andrew Bolt versus David Marr. We'd agree, but on the proviso that Marr doesn't wear a sock down the front of his blog to impress the boys. And no groping for Andy's cyber-buns.

But seriously. Is Marr a fit and competent person to enter the no holds barred arena of cyber duels? He might have a few pounds on Andy but he's reeling in the years.

Hey, but it's a good idea, Tim/Tarquin. We'll keep you mind when we dole out our Xmas gifts in a few months.
 
Thursday, July 24
  It's only an idea, but don't you think Blogger Cage o' Death™ could have resolved the Moxie wars?

Write to us with your ideas for other great match ups. Who's fighting right now and would risk everything to get it on in the Cage™? Who'd you like to see go up against each other? Who would you take on yourself? Come on. Who hasn't wanted to give Mike Moore a hammering? Or take down someone like the Indymedia bloggers?

Hang on. I'm getting an idea. What about pay-per-view Cage™ matches. Awesome, dude.
 
  We've been thinking. What would a Blogger Cage o' Death™ look like. We've all seen bloggers cyber fighting. They hurl insults, drag their fans to respective comments section to flame and whack the enemy, and generally get pretty hissyed up. But come on, dudes. It's like cyber sex; in the end the only pleasure is when you jizz all over your desk and log off panting. But what do you end up with? RSI of the wrist and the sinking feeling that the person on the other end wasn't a girl. Ewww.

Cyber fighting is like the fuckless fuck. Nice warm up, but hardly dangerous. Which is why we need a Blogger Cage o' Death™. A place where you can go mano a mano and inflict serious injury. This is how we see it.

Some geeks could create a space online where the antagonists relocate their sites. There, they'd have cyber weapons at their disposal. Like what? One thing could be a program to infect code. Another might be a virus to hack code so you could change the site in whatever way you wanted. A program to delete archives and links. You could have PayPal worms to clean out accounts. What about a program with the ability to send electric charges to your enemy's key board? Now we're talking, dude. Of course you'd need weapons to defend yourself, too.

Are you with me so far? Excellent. The first guy to lose the ability to defend himself - or feeling in his fingers - would submit and subsequently have his site totally destroyed. Now, is that cool or what? I say we find the necessary nerds to build us the Blogger Cage o' Death™. The time has come to stop acting like pussies. To the Cage!

Hey, Tim B. Liar, you pussy. You up for a Cage™ match?
 
  Update: Netiquette suggests that we update at the post in question. Fuck that. We update where we want. And we say we update here. Who the hell reads updates way down the page, anyway? Crazy people, that's who. And there's none of those here.

We made an error. We were wrong. And we're not afraid to say so. Matt, a straight-shooting blogger from way over on the other side of the blogosphere has contacted us with a point of clarification. We'd wrongly stated that he was a one-time reader of Tim Blair's blog. He's not. He's still a fan. He says he bears Blair no ill will (say this fast; really, really fast). And what's more, he says he's a 'loyal reader'. Damn. A Bright Cold Day in April never looked so good.

We also stated that Matt had harsh words to say about Tim B. Liar. We're afraid that Matt has since deleted that posting. What looked like an all out grudge match faded away before any blood hit the floor. Yeah, we're like all the other sick crazies out there; we'd prefer to see blood and chipped teeth on the carpet. But we respect the dude for what he did. And we stand by his decision.

You hear that Tim B. Liar? We stand by our friends and fry our enemies. You watch out, you little maggot. Your daddy won't be able to save you in the Blogger Cage o' Death™.
 
  Our email to Professor Chumpski went something like this:

Dear Mr Chomsky

We've chosen a dozen random quotes from a leftist website. We've asked our thousands of readers to choose which quote would most likely catch the attention of the Big Kahuna (that's you) of the so-called "peace movement" for its adherence to lefty truth-values, grammar or creative word usage. Could you choose one from below and respond to us ASAP. Just pick a number. Which one resonates with you most forcefully? Which one would you put on a t-shirt to parade around in at MIT? Easy, huh?

Kind regards

Patsy A Newton.

Oh, come on. You think that's my real name?
 
  Okay. You be the judge. Pick the comment most likely to attract Gnome Chumpski's attention for its adherence to lefty truth-values, grammar or creative word usage. Note: all quotes taken from Tim B. Liar. Duh. As if you didn't know. [Categories in square brackets]

1. Maybe a week. Maybe a month. Maybe longer. Maybe shorter. [Grammar: Ten words, four full stops]

2. Truth is an entirely unimportant value. [Lefty truth-values: Relativity run amok]

3. Valiant war veteran Tim Blair, wounded in action in Vietnam, links to former CIA director James Woolsey, who reckons the War On Terror is 'a war to the death' - apparently Timbo loves this phrase, as he renders it in bold - 'like the war with the Nazis, and we should understand that it will have to be fought that way.' [Grammar: One sentence, five commas, and two dashes]

4. Diddums. [Creative word usage: Terms you haven't heard since being weaned from the bottle - milk, that is]

5. It was misleading their people into war. [Creative word usage: Copied straight from the board]

6. The venerable art of misdirection. [Creative word usage: Holding the dictionary upside down in poor light]

7. ... until definitive proof emerges ... [Creative word usage: Like the groundhog, and about as accurate]

8. Conservative anathema. [Creative word usage: Bad light, dictionary upside down, and reading glasses spattered with jism]

9. A token lefty eviscerates Timmeh. [Creative word usage: Blood on the floor. Or is there?]

10. Only commie scum need proof. [Lefty truth-values: Whoops. Back to the drawing board]

11. With Timbo, always follow the link. It often puts the lie to the words that surround it. [Grammar: Out damned it]

12. Here's the totality of Karvan's quotage from the linked story. [Creative word usage: In my dotage I'll have quotage]

We've asked the Gnome for his opinion by email (chomsky@mit.edu) and will publish it as soon as he gets back to us. See if you're on the same wavelength as the Big Kahuna of the so-called "peace movement".
 
  Well, I suppose it is one point of friction, but we were kind of thinking it meant the place where Tim B. Liar's hand held his cock. Remember. It's Australia's premier school of journalism. Will Tarquin B. Garters be the next Fisger? If Tim B. Liar is anything to go by, we'd be willing to bet our last copy of Tarquin Does the Cross that he'll be bigger than both of the tossers combined.
 
  We don't want to speak too soon, but there's a chance that comments troll Bon Scott may soon be outed. We're workin' on it.
 
  First, Tim B. Liar threatens to sue us. Now his father sends us a legal letter.

Bigg, Butt & Garters
Barristers & Solicitors
34th Floor, Hooch Tower
69 Elizabeth Street
Sydney NSW 2000

24 July 2003

Dear Mr Tim B. Liar Lies

My son Tarquin B. Garters has had just about enough of your shitcan antics. When I rang him this morning before his first class at journalism school, he was crying. I will not tolerate this any longer, Mr Lies. If you think we're the sort of family to take this sort of thing laying down, you're very much mistaken. Messers Bigg and Butt have offered their support. I needn't tell you how many tremble just at the sight of their names.

So lay off fat boy. Or else.

Yours faithfully

Henry J. Garters

Listen, we're not trying to be funny or anything, but what the fuck is that all about? Hey Tarquin, lick my srcotum.
 
  More mail! First it was abuse from Tim B. Liar. Now it's Klaudia Caravan setting the record straight.

You guys! You are such a hoot. And all Australian content, too. I love you two so much I could send you a pair of used panties (Australian made, natch). Just give me the word.

Tim B. Liar thinks I never called other actors 'talentless' or 'unpopular'. Jeez. Get a life, Liar. Ever been on a set of an Australian soapie? People would kill if there weren't laws preventing it. I've called them that, and worse. Waaay worse. Shit, I even took out C3PO while noone was watching. Those droids - I gotta tell you - annoyed the shit out of everyone. Anyway, you tell Liar that he's full of it. You want talentless? I'll tell you who's talentless...

Hey. What can we say? The panties are in the mail, and we're 10-zip up on that Liar guy. Life's looking pretty good.
 
  Uh oh. Looks like we're treading on someone's toes. Whoops.

We received a missive in the mail this morning from Tim B. Liar.

Yeah? You want to play tough? We'll see how tough you want to play. And yeah, we can sue you. Yeah, my dad's a lawyer at a big law firm and he can sue you whenever he wants to. He doesn't need to wait or anything. You're telling lies about us. Not once do we say anything about Tim Blair that can't be proved by primary sources. You are the liar. Not us.

Cease and desist herewith or we will take the appropriate action in the courts.

Hey, Tim B. Liar. Suck this.
 
  We hired a guy called Ted. He's seedy, overweight, and drinks way too much. But he's one hell of a dick. He's the guy that tracked down Harold Holt's swimming trunks, Malcolm Fraser's pants, and Paul Keating's enema. And now he's tracked down Tim B. Liar.

Uh-huh. We've got the dudes cold. In fact, as Ted spotted immediately, they gave the game away when they wrote this golden nugget:

And yeah, He-Tim's Bulletin column is up. Number of primary sources? Zero. Well, one if you count the Uniting Church spokesman Blair made up.

Within moments Ted had hacked his way into the country's most prestigious school of journalism. I can tell you, we were kicking outselves in the arse like madmen. How could we have not seen this for ourselves? Just staring at us.

Where else would you get this kind of professional copy? Take a look at the care, the attention to detail. Note the crafting of the sentences, the polish. It's all there, right in front of our noses. And butta-boom, butta-bang, Ted brought up this. Who else could it be? These guys teach the pros. It's gotta be them.
 
  Big Bob Fisk is the guy who took a fisking, Afghan-style. He writes some stuff, but what he's really famous for is that WWF cage match shot of him sitting in a limo with blood smeared over his shirt. Awesome shit. We know it. You know it.

But does Tim B. Liar know it?

Not. A. Fucking. Chance. Lock your peepers onto this shite.

In a world first, Timbo has a go at Robert Fisk without making one single beating gag.

If Liar looks more carefully, he'll see the final sentence: "Let’s rock!”

C'mon, that's not a beating gag? Let's rock Bob Fisk? Let's beat the crud out of him? No beating gags?

Fucktards!
 
  Fight. Fight.

Well, this is a turn up for the books. One-time Tim Blair reader, Matt from A Bright Cold Day in April, has lashed out at Tim B. Liar.

Matt gained his five minutes of Tim Blair fame with posts about Delta Goodrem's battle with cancer.

Could this be the beginning of the end for the boys at Liar.com?
 
  Tim B. Liar: just a couple of whacky guys having fun? Or something more sinister? You be the judge.

Only commie scum need proof.

Why, we'd love to get our hands on those little red-baiting bastards. God damned Right Wing murderous swine. Whacky guys having fun my arse.
 
  It's not so much what they say, it's what they don't say. Yeah, this is getting heavy, but we have to go there, dudes. I mean, is Tim B. Liar really watching everything on Tim Blair? Or is it only selective watching? Chew on that one, amigos. Here's one to ponder.

Serial Tim Blair commenter, Bon Scott, has been outed as a journalist for The Big Issue. Turns out The Big Issue Foundation in London has a photo of him - check out the bottom left hand corner. Oh, hang on, he might be the one ...

No mention of that little nugget on Tim B. Liar, is there? Huh? We told you this would be heavy.
 
Wednesday, July 23
  You know what makes us mad? Impolite people. People who say nasty things. People who punch and kick you when you're down. People who lift your shirt right out of your pants and violate your tender parts. These are things that piss us off here at Tim B. Liar Lies. And don't you know it? Tim B. Lies is a self-professed impolite little shit slinging bastard.

This is not one of those polite weblogs. We intend to respond to Blair in the same manner he criticises others: aggressively and personally.

See! What'd we tell you? This guy is just plain out and out rude.
 
  Sometimes you have radical anathema, sometimes it's conservative. Funny that. You want proof? You don't need no stinkin' proof. Oh, okay, here it is:

... surely making public policy is judicial activism, and therefore conservative anathema.

That's how things are over at Tim B. Liar. Someone should explain to those boys how those grammars and things work.
 
  Plagiarism alert! You read it here first. Tim B. Liar has copied directly from a Dylan Thomas poem without correct citation. Fans of Thomas' work will recognise this immediately:

[I]n the middle of the hegemony of the blogosphere
lives a brave little blogger whom we all admire.

Disgusting. Just bloody disgusting.
 
  Scoop: Tim B. Liar uses dictionary. Unfortunately he can't read it.

An oldie but a goodie - a token lefty eviscerates Timmeh

Nice one Tim B. Lets ask Tim Blair if he still has his entrails. Yes, yes, he does. Tim B. Liar is a fuckwit. And things were going so nicely, too.
 
  Some people reckon we're gutless for not putting up our email address or laying on a comments box. We're not gutless. We just don't know how to do it.
 
  Oh, now we get it. Tim B. Liar is Tim Blair Watch. Get it? It's like Media Watch, but without the raging poof. Whoops. But that's okay, even the Media Watch poof says it's okay these days to use non-PC terms like that. After the nigger in the woodpile incident it's okay "in context" to say these things. We wish them luck now that we know they're doing the same thing as luvvie Dave Marr is at his own blog. I mean "TV show".
 
  Watcher blogs are, of course, for under 14s without the dangly bits, but hey, what the fuck, we thought we'd do it anyway even though our dangly bits are all accounted for. Unlike the muff munchers over at Tim B. Liar. They're the guys we're going to be watching. Why? Good question. The short answer is that they're out on day leave and it's our job to keep tabs on them.

Hell, let's just see where this takes us. Who knows, it could be fun and profitable.
 
Quis ipsos custodes custodiet

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